What to Do when You Don’t Feel Heard in a Relationship
Feeling unheard in a relationship is a common and frustrating experience. You may feel like you are trying to communicate, but your partner simply doesn't hear you. Or maybe they don't understand. Even worse, it may feel like they don't want to understand.
Part of a relationship is communication, which goes both ways. In a relationship, individuals must both communicate effectively and listen effectively. As we get into a relationship with someone, we may have to learn to communicate in a way that works for both of us. We also may have to learn to listen in new ways. So let's get into what we can do about not feeling heard in a relationship.
What it Feels Like to Not Be Heard
Not being heard in a relationship may show itself in many different ways. You may feel as if you are trying to express yourself, your concerns, or your experience and it’s simply not landing. Here are a few ways you may experience not being heard:
Dismissal - When you share your feelings or have an emotional experience, your partner might dismiss your feelings. They may seem to minimize your emotions or experience, or simply not take it seriously and give it the attention you wish for.
Blaming - Rather than acknowledging your feelings, your partner may shift blame onto you. They might avoid taking any responsibility themselves, or simply place the blame on you for whatever you are feeling. This is a defensive mechanism, focusing on the blame rather than the actual experience you’re having.
Interrupting - This is a common one in relationship where a partner isn’t being heard. Your partner might interrupt you or talk over you. This is a sign they’re waiting to talk and have their voice heard rather than actually listening to you.
Lack of Engagement - In today’s world with technology, it’s even easier for people to disengage. While you’re sharing something important to you, your partner could be on their phone, change the subject as soon as you’re done talking, or otherwise not really engage in the conversation. One way I see this arise is when a partner listens, changes the subject, and never asks any follow up questions or digs more deeply.
Overstepping Boundaries - Boundaries are a whole other topic that deserves more attention, but one sign you’re not being heard in a relationship is the overstepping of boundaries. If your partner is ingoring the boundaries you have laid out, it may be because they’re not truly hearing you or understanding with empathy.
Generally Ruling Conversations - This is a bit generic, but nonetheless something to recognize. Conversations in relationships should go both ways and be a two-way street. When you feel like you don’t have any space to contribute and your partner dominates the conversation, it may be a sign you’re not being heard.
Making Big Decisions Without Input - Finally, your partner may make major decisions without asking for your input, or ignoring the input you have given. Big decisions impact both partners in a relationship, and it’s important to share your thoughts and be heard.
The Impact of Not Being Heard
The feeling of being unheard can cause a lot of emotional distress. Research is beginning to look at the concept of not being heard, and how it relates to social rejection. Chronic experiences of not being heard can lead to increases in stress hormones and overall decrease in wellbeing. Here are a few ways this may impact you in the bigger picture:
Low Self Worth - As someone continunes to not be heard, it may reflect in their sense of self worth. Internalization happens, and we begin to believe our feelings or experiences don’t matter. When we aren’t heard by our partners, this is what we learn. Feeling unheard damages our self-esteem, and the cycle of negativity feeds itself. We may think things like “There’s no use in sharing this,” and reinforce this sense of low self-worth without knowing we are doing so.
Increased Loneliness - When we don’t have someone to share our true experiences and feelings with, we experience what is known as emotional isolation. A sense of loneliness grows from this emotional isolation, increasing distance between you. Without safety to express yourself honestly, you may be left feeling alone in the long run.
Lack of Trust - Trust is essential in any relationship. When we can’t trust our partners to take care of our emotional needs or show up for us, it begins to breakdown the trust. We may lose confidence that our partner cares for us or is able to provide the emotional security we need.
Lack of Connection - Finally, all of this may bring a general lack of connection. As our self-worth decreases and loneliness increases, we begin losing connection with our partner. The distance grows subtly and before we know it there is a huge chasm in the relationship.
Causes and Barriers
There are many different reasons this feeling of being unheard may arise. The foundational piece is that the communication is lacking. This may come from both partners. One partner may not know how to express themselves clearly in a useful manner, while the other may not know how to deal with the difficult emotions of their partner.
There’s nothing wrong with you necessarily, or your partner. The feeling of not being heard in a relationship is fairly common, and it can be worked with. If your partner doesn’t seem to hear or see you clearly, it may be time to investigate both ends of the equation.
In what way are you communicating that doesn’t seem to work? Are you trying the same thing over and over without results? This isn’t to place any blame on you or make it out to be your fault. But sometimes, we need to change our approach to meet our partner’s needs as well. For example, holding in sadness or hurt until we are angry and explode at our partner is likely not the most useful way to communicate.
As for the other partner, they may need some support in being with the difficulty. Is there a specific situation where they don’t seem to be able to hear you? Maybe there are certain experiences they find difficult to be present for wholeheartedly with empathy.
For example, I know somebody who had a really hard time being present for their spouse because they felt the need to fix it, while simultaneously recognizing they could not fix the situation. This led to an inability to engage, as they got overwhelmed. Rather than listening with compassion, they were stuck on trying to fix it and alleviate the suffering from their partner, causing more pain unintentionally.
How to Begin Feeling Heard
So, what can we do to begin feeling heard in our relationship? These are not necessarily in order, but I do recommend starting with some personal reflection and inquiry. Then, you can work on the other things and seek professional support if necessary!
Personal Reflection
First, show up for yourself and start with some personal reflection. If you’ve already noticed not being heard as a problem in your relationship, you have shown the ability to have self-insight. Here are a few things you can reflect on, using a journal if necessary to help you get your thoughts and emotions down:
Your Needs - First, it’s crucial to recognize and reflect on your needs. What does it mean to be heard to you? Maybe you need more help fixing issues, or perhaps you just want compassion and the space to get it all out. On the other hand, what does it look like when you are not feeling heard by your partner? Is there something specific they say or do that leads to this feeling?
Triggers - Next, you can consider any patterns or triggers for not feeling heard. Are there certain conversations or topics that seem to result in you experiencing this feeling? It may be a specific topic you bring up, a specific time of day you bring them up, or a specific state you or your partner are in.
Communication - Finally, reflect on what it might mean to communicate more effectively. Again, this isn’t to put the blame on you. But we always have the opportunity to improve our communication! Can you use more “I statements?” For example, letting your partner know “I feel unheard right now” rather than “You’re not hearing me.” Or maybe we can set out to choose a different time to bring up the topic, or create a safe space.
Healthy Communication
When we go to communicate with our partner with these trigger topics or moments, it often takes work to communicate clearly and effectively. Healthy communication is a tough topic, and it often changes throughout the years in a relationship. Here are a few tips to communicating in a more healthy manner.
Choose the Right Time and Space - I have found in my own life that certain conversations at certain times of day may not be wise. For example, I don’t talk about finances with my partner at night. It makes both of us a little anxious and simply doesn’t work for us. Instead, choose the right time and space to promote attentiveness, kindness, clarity, and patience.
Begin with Love - What is your intention in sharing the feeling of not being heard? Generally, it is to work toward closeness with your partner and mend a wound. Start with this. Set a positive tone and let your partner know you want to treat this relationship with love and kindness rather than blame and criticism.
Be Specific - Rather than using a general statement like “You don’t listen to me,” give a specific example. Giving a clear example will help your partner understand your experience and reflect more clearly. It also will make it more approachable as one thing to focus on rather than a big general issue.
Don’t Fix - Finally, don’t jump right into fixing the issue or seeking for your partner to fix it. It’s natural to turn into problem-solving mode, but the main goal here is to be heard and understood. Make sure you share this with your partner!
Learning to Listen
Whether you’re feeling unheard in a relationship or your partner is, learning to listen is key to healthy communication. Communication isn’t just about the person speaking; half of communication is listening. We need to learn to listen to both the verbal and nonverbal cues in difficult conversations.
An example of this is listening to what your partner says when you’re not feeling heard. Are they trying to fix the problem? Maybe they are not engaged fully. Whatever it is, by listening to their response you can get a better idea of where the problem lies and what is needed. For example, if they jump into problem-solving mode, it may be beneficial to tell them you don’t need them to fix it, you just want to vent. If they’re not engaged, it may be best to set aside time for the conversation over coffee or a walk!
Setting Boundaries
We also need to learn to set boundaries. You might use a safe word or term when you’re not feeling heard and the conversation is growing more difficult. It could be something simple like “I need a time out.” This is something that should be discussed ahead of time so neither partner is left feeling rejected. It also needs to be something that is heard and respected.
If you are struggling to discuss things like major financial decisions and being heard, the boundary may be that you need to sign off on any major financial decision, period. Remember, only lay a boundary you’re willing to stick by. Don’t make false threats or empty promises.
Seeking Professional Support
You might talk about this issue with friends or loved ones. The feeling of loneliness and emotional isolation may make this seem difficult but it can be beneficial. It’s also a great thing to talk about in therapy. A licensed therapist can help you to work with this issue in more depth. Feel free to contact me for a free 20 minute consultation if you want further support!