How to Ask for Reassurance from Your Partner
Relationships, especially intimate relationships, can provide a lot for our psychological and emotional well-being. Whether we are somebody who needs explicit reassurance or are content with the more subtle forms of reassurance, we benefit from confidence and support in our relationships and personal lives. When we don’t get the reassurance we feel we need, it can be quite painful and uncomfortable.
Like many aspects of a relationship, there’s a middle way here. Not receiving any or enough reassurance may be difficult for many people. On the other hand, desiring constant reassurance may be a sign of an underlying issue with trauma, self-doubt, or insecurity in the relationship. Or, it may simply be a sign that you are not getting what you need from your partner in this moment. This is something we must investigate ourselves. The first step is learning how to ask for reassurance from your partner in a clear and healthy manner.
What is Reassurance?
Simply put, reassurance is a process in which one partner helps the other to feel secure, safe, and confident. It may be reassurance related to the relationship itself, or it may be regarding some other aspect of the individual’s life. It’s perfectly natural and normal to need some reassurance in your relationship, and it may come in many forms.
There are verbal forms of reassurance, the more explicit and clear type perhaps. Verbal reassurance may be kind words, expressing contentment with the relationship, sharing gratitude for each other, or things like making plans together for the future. Nonverbal reassurance includes things like giving gifts, making time for one another or prioritizing them, or making little tokens of appreciation.
In whatever form it may come, reassurance helps us to feel safe and secure in our relationships. It builds connection between partners, and is part of healthy communication in a relationship. It may be something big, or something relatively small. You may feel reassured by a regular date night, by your partner giving you space when you need it, or by simply being listened to when you express a personal issue.
Why Someone May Need Reassurance
Again, it’s completely normal to need some reassurance in your relationship. People have different needs as far as this goes, and different relationships will express reassurance in different ways. Many people who feel they need more reassurance are experiencing a lack of confidence in their relationship in some way. Having healthy reassurance will help support your relationship in many ways.
Reassurance will help people feel confident and strong in their relationship. This opens up so many doors, especially related to vulnerability. When we have a strong foundation, we’re able to both show up for ourselves and our partners in more honest and raw ways. Difficult conversations become easier, expressing emotions comes more naturally, and we actually get to know our partners better (and be known).
With this strong foundation, you may find things like jealousy or low self-confidence decreasing significantly. When you are confident and feel safe in your relationship, these emotional experiences don’t quite have the same strength. This is one of the reasons feelings like jealousy often subside as relationships move into more long-term situations.
Tips for Asking for Reassurance
So you feel that you need some more reassurance in your relationship. Maybe you’ve tried asking, but feel you’re not being heard in your relationship. Here are some tips you can use to ask for reassurance in your relationship in the healthiest way possible.
1. Be Specific With Your Needs
This may take some reflection (tip #7), but go into the conversation clear about what you are asking for. Generically asking for “more reassurance” can sometimes be useful, but perhaps you can uncover a specific way you’d like to achieve this. If you aren’t sure, asking for reassurance or expressing your experience is still wonderful.
If you can bring to mind a time in which you did not feel reassured, or where you could have felt reassured but did not, start there. Maybe you can ask for a date night together, to receive more handwritten notes, to get more loving texts during the week, or for space to express difficulties. There’s no right or wrong answer here; it’s personal and what is present for you that matters.
Being specific and clear allows both you and your partner to come up with some sort of plan. When we are given an explicit, actionable item to work on, it is often more manageable. You can set aside time to reflect on this and what you may need before going into the conversation.
2. Choose the Right Time
This is true for so many conversations in relationships, especially the uncomfortable ones. But it is an important aspect of healthy communication. By choosing the right time, you’ll get the most of each other’s attention and energy. This may help you to not feel brushed off, angry, and/or guilty for bringing it up. I work with clients quite a bit with this aspect, as choosing the right time can make or break these conversations.
For example, if your partner just had a really tough day at work or with the family, you probably don’t want to bring this up right when you see them. Even if your plan was to talk to them tonight, you probably will be better off being flexible, adjusting, and finding another time. For every couple, this looks different.
You may consider setting aside time/space for the conversation, free of distraction. This may be on a walk, in the car if both partners feel safe not having an easy exit, or after a meal. You know your relationship best, so consider what will work for both you and your partner. Be mindful of your partner’s schedule, your partner’s mood (and your own), and try to find a time when you’re both in a relatively relaxed state.
3. Use “I” Statements
During your conversation, make sure not to attack your partner. In fact, be mindful of how your partner may receive what you have to say and your partner’s perspective. Although you may not intend to attack them in any way, it may land that way. One thing we can do to mitigate this is stick to using “I” statements and expressing how you feel rather than pointing out what your partner did wrong or could do better. This is a key to effective communication.
For example, let’s say you are seeking reassurance and one of the specific things you want to ask for is morre physical touch and physical affection. Instead of asking them to hug you more or engage more physically, you might say something like “I feel much better when I receive more hugs and affection.” This helps steer clear of accusatory language, and is a communication technique that can help conversations steer clear of defensiveness and arguing.
4. Be Honest
Next, be honest and vulnerable. If you’re going to take the step of asking for reassurance from your partner, do it right. One thing that unfortunately happens is people begin to express themselves, then walk it back. Being honest is hard, and an act of true vulnerability in relation to these conversations and requests. But honesty goes a long way in effective emotional communication.
5. Express Appreciation
In addition to asking for reassurance or expressing your needs, make sure to express appreciation for the ways you do feel reassured. Perhaps you can find a specific example of something that supports you in the relationship. Sprinkling these things in lets the other person know that you are not viewing the relationship as all bad. It also may likewise help the other person from feeling defensive or attacked.
In addition, express appreciation when you do receive the reassurance you’re looking for. This is powerful for the relationship, positive reinforcement for your partner, and a good personal practice. Expressing gratidude and genuine appreciation helps us really feel the effort and energy being spent, and actually appreciate it more.
6. Be Willing to Reciprocate
As with any interpersonal relationships, one of the best things we can do is lead by example. If you want to feel more reassured, try reassuring your partner. Engage in physical touch, express gratitude, make space for them, etc. You may even bring this up during your conversation by asking if there are ways they feel you could support them.
7. Check In with Yourself
This is the seventh tip on this list, but should definitely come first! Before jumping into the conversation or letting anxiety or worry get the best of you, set aside some time to really check in with yourself about what’s going on. Maybe you can ask yourself some questions to get to know yourself better, or start a journal. What needs do you have that aren’t being met? What do you hope to get out of the conversation? What is your intention?
You may also consider any personal experience that is playing a part in the relationship dynamic. For example, research has suggested that those with more anxious attachment styles are more likely to feel the need to seek relationship reassurance. In addition, those with PTSD may benefit from more reassurance, as are those with a past of being cheated on, lied to, or abandoned.
None of this is to say it’s your fault, or you should not ask for reassurance from your partner. Rather, it’s helpful to get a clear picture of what’s going on. If something comes up in your check-in, perhaps it’s worth bringing up with your partner. Expressing your need for reassurance, along with any influences you believe to be present may help your partner understand you more clearly.
8. Reassure Yourself
Finally, do what you can do reassure yourself. This does not substitute for reassurance from your partner, but compliments it. When we work to reassure ourselves and ask our partner for the same, we are receiving reassurance from two different sources. But what does this look like?
You may try offering yourself personal affirmations every morning, starting a gratitude journal, or making the effort to engage with your partner more. Maybe you can plan a date night, or a leisure activity for the two of you (or the family, or with friends). Investigate if there are ways you can be proactive in addition to asking your partner for the reassurance.
